Valentine’s Day Gift To Myself

Two days after the man I loved dumped me (last June), my cousin Marcy gave me the best advice anyone did during the terrible two months or so post-break up.  She said, “Don’t think about what you miss about him.  Then you will continue to be sad.  Try to focus on the things that didn’t work.  Maybe you should write down what you didn’t like about him and refer back to the list whenever you miss him.

In honor of Valentine’s Day, I thought I would go the jaded, cynical, and angry route and post the 101-item list of things I hate about my ex boyfriend.  The list was very easy to compose and has not been edited.  Enjoy!

What I Hate About Him
1. He doesn’t think flowers are romantic.
2. Likes mint ice cream. Dumb.
3. Does not like Alanis Morissette. Stupid.
4. Not mature.
5. Lies.
6. Lies.
7. Lies.
8. Judgmental.
9. Too nerdy.
10. When my mom had a stroke and I ate a pint of ice cream, he said I should go to the gym so I don’t gain weight. Ass.
11. Me being honest freaked him out.
12. Wants to run. Stupid.
13. Conceited.
14. Never says please.
15. Splits bills. Every time.
16. Bald.
17. Pops collar.
18. Likes to make me mad.
19. Does not text enough.
20. Calls too much.
21. Arrogant.
22. Says he’s always right.
23. Doesn’t listen when he’s busy.
24. Can’t multi task.
25. Lives far away.
26. Has no car.
27. Has no belongings.
28. Lives with old men.
29. Has a tiny, twin bed.
30. Won’t play this awesome fruit game that my friends and I invented.
31. Has never seen Saved by the Bell.
32. Acted like he had a perfect childhood.
33. Has a temper.
34. Does not believe in God.
35. Thinks the college he went to is better than Harvard. (It’s not).
36. Likes country music.  Barf.
37. Likes stupid movies.
38. Quotes stupid movies and commercials and YouTube videos that no one else knows.
39. He has no balls and is a coward. To quote Ke$ha, “When u grow a pair, you can call me back.”
40. He needs toothbrush tubes to be squirted a certain way. Stupid.
41. He’s a micromanager… Always!!
42. He criticized how my room was organized.
43. He said things in my apartment were precociously placed. Get over yourself.
44. How he always said my name in a condescending way when he was upset.
45. How upset he got about the subway being closed. Way to be six years old.
46. How he lied.
47. Over and over.
48. Never wanted to live together before marriage.
49. Thought abortion was always ok.
50. Family was far away.
51. Didn’t want to meet my family. Deceitful bastard.
52. Didn’t want me to meet his. Ass.
53. Doesn’t enjoy or get art. Stupid uncultured child.
54. Is afraid of third world counties.
55. Only knows how to cook three things.
56. Doesn’t like sautéed food. Stupid.
57. Always was tired.
58. Was late.  Often.
59. Slept in all the time.
60. Grinded his teeth.
61. Had too many allergies.
62. He made me feel stupid. On purpose.
63. Thought VERY highly of himself.
64. Liked wheat pasta. Gross.
65. Acted like he was God’s gift to earth.
66. Thought he was so romantic. He wasn’t.
67. Doesn’t like beaches.
68. Has road rage.
69. Calls people stupid.
70. Gets impatient with strangers.
71. Is always in a hurry.
72. Never stops to relax.
73. Needs to walk on moving walkways or escalators.
74. Can’t sit still.
75. Gets upset stomachs and headaches.
76. Is not ready to be an adult.
77. Never ate what I made him for Valentines’ Day.
78. Built up his stupid Valentine’s Day gift to me for weeks.  It was a card.
79. Never took me dancing.
80. Thought I’d like the symphony. Yack.
81. Doesn’t let loose often.
82. Didn’t accept my Facebook friend request for days.
83. Said I didn’t take enough pictures
84. Lied to me.
85. Never even told his brother that I existed.
86. He thinks PCs are better than Macs.
87. He doesn’t have an iPhone.
88. He only likes the expensive tomatoes.
89. Made me drive him around.
90. Thought his time was more valuable than mine.
91. Thought he was a Greek God.
92. He wouldn’t call me his girlfriend until we had dated for like four months.
93. Said I love you the same night he broke up with me.
94. Kept me waiting around for two weeks while he “decided” whether or not he wanted to dump me.
95. Was a total ASSHOLE after we broke up.
96. Initiated contact post-break up via email.
97. Loved really stupid movies.
98. Loved really stupid music.
99. Did not like apple pie.
100.  Has a stupid name
101.  He lied.  A lot.

Deal Maker

What is the opposite of a deal breaker?  A deal maker?  Did I invent that or is it a thing?  There is always a point in dating someone when I go from just hanging out with him to being attracted to him.  Unless he is super hot, and then I just go from being attracted to him to being embarrassed for doing something stupid.

Jacob’s deal maker was that he used to work at Apple.  I am OBSESSED with Apple products.  I died with excitement when he mentioned this offhandedly.  When I got so excited, he seemed a bit insulted and tried to explain that what he does now is even cooler than Apple and more advanced and exciting.  He must have been referring to the nerd world, I guess, because in the real world… nothing is cooler than Apple!

I then took this opportunity to treat a solid fifteen minutes of our date as a session and the Genius Bar at the Apple Store.  I explained the long drama that is my love affair with my iPhone to a patiently-listening Jacob.  It all started three weeks ago.  I was doing laundry in my apartment’s basement laundry room.  A pretty typical Monday.  After I pressed the “colors” button, the washing machine locked and started pouring water.  To my horror, I realized my phone was inside the machine!!

I pulled and pulled at the door (which was obviously locked shut), and eventually got around to unplugging the machine.  Realizing that my phone might still be dry, I ran back to my apartment to get my handy tool box.  Surely, I’d be able to unscrew the door and get my phone out!  After an unsuccessful few minutes attempting, I decided to just get a hammer and bust through the washing machine’s door to rescue my phone.  It would be a $700 expense to get a new phone, and only maybe $200-300 to repair the little plastic door on the washer, right?  Holding the hammer, ready to smash, I decided to practice being rational and not slam through the door.  What if the phone was broken and I broke the door?  I let the washer run.

The phone obviously did not work after the spin cycle.  I put it in rice, went to the  Apple store, and discovered happily that I had AppleCare and got a new phone for just $50!  I had never been so happy in my life.  My love and I were reunited!

The following weekend (yes, only four days after I got a brand new phone), I went north for a weekend ski trip.  Saturday night, we all went out to a bar, and I had my phone in my back pocket.  Of course, when I used the restroom, it fell out of my back pocket and into the toilet (Jacob said this is very common, and I’m not that much of an idiot because many women go into the Apple store with this story.  You can see why I liked him, right?)  I walked to the bar, ordered a Bud Light and a bag of uncooked rice.  The bartender brought the rice and gave me the beer on the house since I was having a “rough night”.  Clearly.

Sixty hours later, the phone turned on!  My second visit to the Apple store in two weeks was successful!  The following weekend I went to Canada for Igloofest (amazing concert, by the way), and accidentally left my phone’s data on.  After about sixteen hours in Canada, I had accidentally used $800 worth of data.  Thank goodness the AT&T people were forgiving and changed the exorbitant fee to $30.  Again, Jacob explained that this, too, was common, and I was, again, not an idiot.

I think it’s important on a first date to at least share two or three ‘this is how stupid I really am’ stories. Jacob consistently tried to persuade me that all of my stupid mistakes with my phone were common and not so dumb.  There will definitely be a second date.

Since When is Britney Not Classy?

Does any one else find that they generally are dating two guys with the same name at the same time?  I feel like this always happens to me!  I dated at least three Stevens last summer, and was hanging out with two Matts at the same time in August.  Anyway, this was another Jacob.  Texting this weekend has been fun because it’s just been lots of Jacob-texts.  It takes me a minute to figure out which Jacob is which though, because I don’t know either of their last names yet.  Oops.

The date with this Jacob was really fun.  He turned out not to be a psychopath (yeay)!  He was shockingly normal, unlike what I’m used to from online dating.  He has a lot of cool interests and really loves his job.  A complete nerd, he challenged me to Scrabble, and I fully intend to win.  He could comment on the local library’s layout, which is a huge turn-on for me (I’m a complete nerd too, clearly).  He’s also very close to his family and showed me pictures of his cousins and siblings.

After a fair amount of witty banter and chit chat, he said he thought I was classy.  I tried to warn him I wasn’t, and encouraged him not to project ideas of what he was looking for on me until he got to know me. I’m not the classiest woman.  He insisted I was…

So classy.

…until ten minutes later when I admitted to leaving my iPhone at a Britney spears concert. He asked when this concert was (and clearly assumed it was in the 90s).  Upon admitting it to be last summer, he stated that my classiness had dropped from a 10 to a 2. Then, I confessed to being obsessed with Ke$ha.  Seeing her and LMFAO last summer was one of the best days of my life.  Apparently, he likes LMFAO and said that since they were there too, I was up to a 4 in class.  Pretty high I think.

At the end of the night, Jacob walked me to my car, respectfully hugged me, and asked for a second date.  I stopped to ask if he was really interested in a Britney Spears and Ke$ha fan.  He just said, “I’ll give you a second chance.”  I like it.  I also liked that he didn’t try to kiss me goodnight on the first date.  Even though I kind of wanted to, it makes the build up for date two even more exciting.

His last text that night read, “Goodnight, classy lady”.  Love it.